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BeautifulBrokenness
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Gender: Female
Interests: Pretty much everything, I am an artist, I love writing, jornaling, reading, traveling, drinking tea,I want to possibly be a missionary, I love anything adventerous, I will try most anything once.
Expertise: I think I can honestly say that I am an exspert at having huge dreams. I fall much and often into bushes, on cement, and down steps. I am incredable at being broken, and even more amazing at not being very good at covering it up. I am amazing at car jaming, and lip singing. I am great at being nothing so when God uses me he shines so much more brightly. I am great at geting really excited over simple small things, and love to touch my nose.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message me
AIM:  awaitedpetrichor
Yahoo:  awaitedpetrichor
Member Since:
5/8/2005
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| I am more convinced than ever that it is in solitude, silence, meditation and prayer that we can somehow ever just for a bit ecscape this world. I have more of a desire than ever to live a simple life, free of clutter, and chaos. To learn to simply live in the presence of God, to love people and live life fully. I'm not living this now, in fact I am the most miserable I have been in a long time. I think more so because I now the sweet taste of freedom. What is it about disorder, destruction that pulls us. Maybe its in contentment, maybe its in control. I don't know what but I know that its crap. I have had thoughts of being a monk, living in the mountains, spending a lot of time in solitude thinking and praying. I do not feel I would like the structure as much for I love the freedom of dancing, of moving with the spirit, and I think I would not like the rules so much. But much of their way of life is very apealing to me. The world around me as of now, my college, my church, is not offering me much that is desirable. I want to be free but feel traped within the norm of society. I want to dance, but the akwardness of my white upperclass background makes my movements akward. I want to move with the leaves, to feel the earth, to taste and feel the spirits around me. I want to be free. And freedom is there for me... I duno | | |
| I went to church for the first time in about a month or so. It hurt to be there. It hurt because my heart was pulling in every direction and I felt like I was being riped apart from the inside.
My bitterness twords the church and just christian community has left my numb and cold. I realised today that who I am, the life, the passion and my ability to see beauty in almost everything is no longer there. Maybe it is still there but just covered by this bitterness. The fact that I realised this just makes me more bitter.
I cryed so hard today I almost threw up. There are steps that have to be taken to fix this, steps that I'm afraid I can't do alone, but I fear I have to.
The world is not as its supposed to be, but Jesus came to redeem it.. there is hope, and there is life and beauty. Unfortunitly it is often covered by layers of bitterness, fear, and other shit.
I can't be bitter anymore. But how the hell do you just stop.
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| I guess this is my atempt at stoping myself from breaking down. Another night if not being able to sleep and just a sense of hoplessness. Things have been hard for my boyfriend and me since he left for college out of state. We are trying to figure out a way to communicate and be close through his crazy schedual. I have felt really distant from him and because of this have just been struggling with the relationship in general. Tonight for the first time in a long time we really connected. We were having a really good conversation and than all of a suden his phone died and than by the time he got it going again the conversation was over. I imediatly get frustrated, which is ridiculous right? But see I feel like everything for me , in reguards to interaction with people, closeness with people , community has been taken away from me. I am tired of feeling alone, I am tired of people being inconsistant in relationships. I just want to fucking consistancy. I am hurting so much right now. But the problem with this is even if some sort of consistancy presents itself to me I end up screwing it up. Like tonight, we were finally doing good and than I screw it up. Now he is pissed at me. I just want to feel close to him. I just want to feel close to someone, anyone. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I belong and am taken care of. Thats why it hurt so much when the phone got disconnected. I just don't know what to do with myself. I pray at night, and I feel like God is there that he gives me peace and confort and than I wake up and by the end of the day i have destroyed everything. I just don't know
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| Another night of sleeplessness and I find myself here once again writing. I went for a long bike ride today. I found a hidden path that went down into the woods and wove through trees eventually intersecting with a creek. The path followed this creek for a good distance. I think the sound of biking through newly fallen leaves in the fall is one of my favorite sounds, add the sound of a creek and its pretty amazing. The ride calmed me some, I have always found peace in Fall. There is something about how everything is dying, but in the midst of it there is such beauty. I love Fall..
My heart is restless, I feel as if judgment is on me, and this feeling follows me everywhere I go. I fear for my life, and I fear for my heart. I fear that I am going down hill, that all that I believe to be true and the right way will eventually lead me to doom. Very pessimistic I know but thats what I am feeling. Every attempt to move forward seems to be confronted with opposition resulting in 3 steps back. I find myself retreating more that fighting these days. I feel weak and unsure.
I need to find community, but my bitterness of the church has hindered me from finding community. Talking to a friend yesterday they told me that I had to forgive, I had to move on. I know this, but I guess I'm just having a hard time with it all. I want there to be a resolution, I want some sort of restoration, but I am not sure that this is possible.
I must forgive, and more than forgiving the people that have wronged me I think I need to forgive myself. I am angry and bitter at myself more than other people I think. I am angry at my foolishness and my constant bend toward destruction. I'm bitter that what I have been given I so often shove aside in fear of possibly having some sort of happiness. I am my own destruction. I have gotten better. There is hope. Its just frustrating.
My day will come..
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| I have been having nightmares the last couple of nights.. I have one after the other, each vivid, where I can feel whats going on... I really want them to end
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